The Awakening....

It was only last night that I finally realized the impact of "digging" into my husband's personal things.. from his wallet, cellphone, email and etc.. looking for clues, links... or anything that I may find that would validate my doubt on him... "CHEATING" (it sounds pathetic, yeah, but I actually did it). All through out our relationship of almost 11 years (this Dec 4 :-) ) .. from the courting stage to our married life... I have always said to him that.. "Trust is onething you will never earn from me".. and so all the time, I am always on the look out for signs of infidelity. I even have envisioned of how I will react, if God forbids, that I actually caught him cheating on me... not making so much scene to attract the attention of bystanders (no scandalous words!) but will definitely ensure that... "it will something both of them will regret for the rest of their lives"... "Lintik lang ang walang ganti!!!.. ika nga.

Until the "Big Boss" knocked me on the head... Grabe! "He" placed me in a situation para magising na ako sa katotohanan... He probably thought.. "Hmmm, its time this girl makes some change on her perspective towards her husband".. He placed me.. "On the line of Fire".. walastik.. iba'ng experience. Never ever in my wildest imagination na mangyayari sa akin yon... but it did! Pucha talaga.. the game "He" played on me ... nerve wrecking..

I stumbled into my ex work mate through my male officemate as well who was reading his blog. I got the inspiration from him (that's why I have created my own site).. posted a comment on his site.. chit chat here and there.. and so our friendship was renewed. We communicate once in a while through Skype... him always asking for tsismis.. updates on the happening in our work.. thoughts on family life... anything that comes to mind in the course of our conversation. Then one fine day.. the usual thing.. his opening message would be.. "Ano na? Ano na? ano'ng bago jan? Wala ba'ng tsismis? I would answer back at tuloy tuloy na ang kwentuhan... I could'nt really tell kung gano kami katagal minsan mag chikahan.. makulit kasi'ng kausap yung taong yon eh. I stayed late in the office that day.... and a message poped up in my screen. It was him asking "Di ka pa ba uuwi? Gabi na.. I answered back saying.. "Di pa eh.. dami deadline, wala ka ba'ng date?".. He replied to me and tuloy tuloy na ulit ang chika. There was point in our conversation na inaasar ko siya about certain things in the past.. yung asaran na kapag magkakasama kayo para lang may mapag kwentuhan.. buskahan baga! Then my celphone rang.... the person on the other line was him... he was saying.. "Lhys, lhys, what were the things you said? You were not talking to me.. it's my wife! Please help me.. we are fighting now because of your conversation with her.. please...".... "What" yun ang una ko'ng nasabi.. "What do you mean?".. He explained to me that his wife has access to his messenger account and she was playing me in our conversation to divulge informations about her husband!!! It did'nt sink in at first.. my mind was not able to cope up with the information... "BRAIN FREEZE".. at ng matauhan ko... ang nasabi ko na lang ay.. "SHOCKS!!! PUCHA!!! WALANGHIYA KA!!! Ano'ng gagawin ko? was my reaction to him. He added me in the conversation.. trying to clean up the mess I made. I don't know if I was able to help them but I hope they were able to patch things up and consider that the conversation with me has no bearing in their relationship now. .. I hope!

I told this story to my husband when I met with him later para umuwi na. He was laughing out loud..at inaasar niya ako! I asked for his opinion but he did'nt gave me a sensible one.. pailing iling lang at pangisi ngisi... At home.. I was still bothered of what happened.. worried for the couple that I may have stained their relationship. The experience led me to thinking as well... So this what happens when you go out looking for dirt.. you will stumble upon something.. one way or another.. and what's the result? Nothing!! Nothing good will ever came out of it!!! If dirt is what you are looking for.. then dirt is what you will find.. you will not see the more important things .. the beautiful things.. because you are blinded by your objective..."dig up dirt". I have finally woke up from the slumber of untrusting. I prayed that night... told HIM and my husband that... from this night forward.. "I will start praying and stop doubting".. My husband deserves the trust he has worked for.. for quite sometime now.. kaya I am now giving it to him... but not too much... uummm.. "Just enough for him to go by"... :-)

As time goes by...

Si Nanay... 57 na siya nung Nov 14... well, technically nung Nov 10 pa ang birthday niya... I learned of this information after 29 years of existince. All the while, akala ko Nov 14 ang birthday niya, yun pala nag move lang sila ng celebration ni Tatay dahil alangin sa sweldo ang 10.. di sila makakapag-celebrate.. dahil wala'ng panghanda... wala daw mailuluto'ng pansit para pagsaluhan... ganon ka simple ang dahilan... kaya nagtatawanan kami'ng lahat habang kinu-kwento niya sa amin ang ginawa nila ni Tatay ko.

Nanay now lives with me.. widow of my Tatay only this year... he was 57 then. I don't want to talk about him yet... di pa me ready! But definitely I will write something about my father... for my father... so everyone would know how great he is... not was... for he still lives in my heart.

Going back to Nanay... nung maliit pa kami ng Kuya.. lagi ko'ng sinasabi sa kanya na... "Eh, mas mahal mo naman si Kuya sa akin", tapos magtatampo na ako ng konti. Pero di ko masyado'ng ininda yon nung maliit pa ako, kasi malay ko ba naman maisip ang mga ganon dati... basta laro lang ng laro sa gilid ng ilog sa may Baclaran (una naming tinirhan.. sa Sitio Maligaya). Inevitably, lumalaki na kami, unti unti ko'ng nakikita yung "parang mas lab talaga ni Nanay si Kuya"... yung para'ng she takes extra care of him than me. When I listen to her stories sa mga amiga niya na pumupunta sa bahay she would boast.. "Ay naku, yang anak ko'ng lalaki.. hindi yan papayag na mala-late siya sa klase, lagi nga'ng siya ang nagbubukas ng school eh(baka gusto mag-sekyu..hehehe), tsaka napaka-sipag gumawa ng assignment at palagi nagre-review kapag may exam" (yan ang bida niya para sa Kuya).... e di ako, patiently waiting for her compliments naman para sa akin... tapos eto na ... sasabihin ni Nanay... "Ah si Melissa, di siya masyado'ng pala-aral, ni di ko nga nakikita yan magbukas ng libro niya eh.. pero mataas din naman ang nakukuha sa klase"... Huh? (isip-isip ko).. yun lang?... tapos nakakalito pa kung compliment ba yon o ano?...

Maraming instances sa paglaki namin na napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na mas mahal pala niya talaga ang Kuya ko. Yung pag-uwi niyo galing sa school.. ipaghahain si Kuya at ako hindi kasi kailangan ko daw matutunan yon dahil pag nag-asawa na ako.. ako ang maghahain para sa pamilya ko.. naisip ko.."Nyay, nay naman...ka-torse anyos pa lang ako.. kung gagawin ko man iyon pag-nagasawa ko.. saka na iyon.. ikaw ang kailangan ko ngayon. Tapos there was an instance pa na na-overhear ko sila ng tatay ko na nagtatalo.. sabi ni Tatay "Kaya nagkaka-ganyan ang anak mo eh, kita'ng kita naman na mas pina-paboran mo yung isa"... tapos sasagot si Nanay.. "Sus, ikaw kampi ka naman sa ka-dramahan ng anak mo".. Diyos ko po... pwede na yata ako'ng mag-swimming sa luha ko nun narinig ko yon... "aping-api".. isang negatibong kaisipan ang namayani sa akin. So the little devil inside grew... I was growing up rebellious. I engaged in a relationship in quite a young age.. joined fraternities during high school.. sneak out at night para gumala... nakikipag-inuman sa mga kaibigan.. and most of all... our relationship was like North and South Pole... so distant I almost felt its was hopeless to bring them together. Nanay, is the only person in my life who can trigger my fuse. Everytime we have a heated arguement... I would really freak out! Nalulunod ako sa galit kapag nag-aaway kami... sa sobrang galit na.. nagwawala ako sa kwarto ko.. nag-aamok at sinisira yung mga gamit ko... sinasaktan ko yung sarili ko...even tried committing the biggest mistake.. suicide (pero masakit... kaya di ko tinuloy). Tapos makikita ko siya na.. para'ng "Bahala ka jan, magwala ka!" Lalo na lang ako'ng nasasaktan kapag ganon pa ang nakikita ko sa kanya.

Nagkaka-edad... nagkaka-isip...lalo'ng tumitindi ang hidwaan namin ni Nanay... gusto ko na ngang pabayaan na ganon yung relationship namin. Naiisip ko.. "Ok fine, I will live my own life", bahala na ako sa sarili ko.. I give up". Kung ayaw mo sa akin.. then wag na.. ayawan na.. I will finish school then leave this miserable house.. and will not see you again.

But it did'nt happen... I met someone, he forced me to "Never give up". She is your mom... you've known her all your life. How can I trust you to not give up on me... not to give up on us... if you are easily giving up on Nanay.. she is your family! The words did'nt sink in at first... with my broken heart.. ang hirap tangapin na ako pa yung dapat gumawa ng paraan para magka-bati kami. But he was persuasive and patient.. and eventually, I gave in. Little by little I tried to reach out on her.. engaging in small talks.. giving compliments.. although most of the time she would reject them or pretend she did'nt noticed me.. my support system is very strong!

A few years after.. I eventually found a job, went back to school and my relationship with Nanay.. well, still like a sail boat. Sometimes the ocean is still and calm, sometimes raging with tides and worst... may malalakas na thunderstroms na sabayan pa ng pag-daan sa Bermuda Triangle.. almost lost... but it survived and still went on with the journey.

Then the hand of faith took its turn.. my brother got married!! Walah! parang magic, everything changed! Suddenly, I exist in the eyes of Nanay... bigla pinapansin na niya ako.. inaalagaan na niya ako. Yehey! sobra'ng saya ko! Finally, I felt her love for me.

Our relationship has changed from bitter to sweet... from anger to affection... from hate to love... Nagbago ang lahat dahil nag-asawa na ang Kuya.. nalipat na sa akin ang attention ni Nanay. I am very thankful dahil... the act of giving up did not materialize.. kasi dadating din pala yung time ko.

And as time goes by... my relationship with her has matured.. evolved.. and is in a better place now. I love you Nanay... I wonder... dadaanan ko din kaya ang lahat ng ito kapag lumaki na ang mga anak ko? I don't want to pound my head for the future that I can't forsee... this time.. I am trying to enjoy every minute I can with my little angles.. at kung sakaling dumating ang time na ako naman ang dadaan sa ganoong sitwasyon ... I hope God will have mercy on me.. May His force be with me!

SM Gamol!

Nakapila ako sa counter ng SM South Mall (furniture section) habang binibilang ang pera na inutang namin sa isang lending company para makabili ng bagong sala set. Bumigay na kasi yung set sa bahay ng asawa ko... eh bago pa maisip ni Papu (lolo ng mga anak ko) na operahan na naman siya para tumagal ulit ng another 20yrs... eh inunahan ko na...i think the set has served its time, kaya hinayaan ko na siyang mag-retire. Anyways, going back... so yun nga binibilang ko ang money namin para bayaran na ang set... P17,950 ang price tag nito sa display... at since tig-pa-five hundred pesos ang bills namin... medyo matagal ko siyang binilang.. at syempre ninamnam ko ang bawat hagod kasi mawawala na iyon agad sa kamay ko.. Binaril ng scanner ng cashier ang price tag... beep.. at lumabas sa screen... P19,950 pesos ang price. Nagulat ang cashier, kinuha niya ulit ang tag sa checker para i-check ang price at P17,950 nga ang naka sulat. So kalmado niyang sinabi sa akin.. "Mam, sandali lang po kasi 19k+ ang lumabas sa screen".. Ok, naisip ko... there is nothing to be alarmed of... baka may error lang sa coding nila..

Binigay ng mga staff yung price tag sa Floor Manager (hehehe).. i mean, sa Managaer na on duty sa section na iyon. Usap..usap.. bulong bulungan... then finally pinatawag na ako nung manager... "Mam, pasensya na po.. nag price increase na pala yung item na yon.. di lang napalitan nung person in charge yung price tag.. yun na po talaga ang presyo niya"... .. Nang marinig ko ang mag sinabi ng manager ... tumigil yata ang tibok na puso ko! "Shattered dreams!!!" (kablag..) I was lost for words for a brief moment kaya ang sunod ko na lang na nabigkas ay ... Whaaatttttt!!!! nangatal yata ang buong katawan ko ng oras na iyon... nag overload ang thoughts sa brain ko at gusto na nilang lumabas ng sabay sabay... parang may halo-halo sa loob ng katawan ko na ang mga sahog ay galit, frustrations, disbelief at kung ano-ano pa. Di ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko... i could'nt imagine na after going through 30 or more outlets from different department stores searching and searching for the "Best Buy" that we could find... searching for an item me and my husband could both agree of ... measuring the value of one item from another... measuring the intesity of likeness or fondness to certain items which have passed our initial screening... and when finally the search is over... biglang itataas ang presyo! Oh my God talaga!!... para'ng ... para'ng ... basta! para'ng napaka-laki'ng joke naman nito... para'ng naisip ni God na mag-trip ng oras na iyon at kami ang napag-diskitahan... dahil sa dinami-dami naman ng namimili sa oras na iyon sa iba't ibang department store sa buong mundo... I doubt na merong kagaya namin ang eksena ng mga sandaling yon... Diyos ko po Lord!!

So I gave the manager a piece of my mind... di nga lang yata piece of my mind lang yon... baka nakakalahati siya sa dami ng mga nasabi ko sa kanya ng mga oras na iyon... Di kaya biro yung sinabi niya tsaka wala man lang ako'ng naramdaman sa kanya na konting effort na gagawan niya iyon ng paraan para lang ma-satisfy ang customer.. Maybe dahil sa business orientation nila... since mall sila and customer's will definitely come.. one time or another... they are not worried of losing a sale that day... but I am.. I am so worried.. My conviction of bringing home the new sala set is not for myself alone... but for my kids who are anxiously waiting.... I can't afford to see the look on their face kapag umuwi ako ng empty handed... yung disappointment nila kapag sinabi ko na di namin mabibili yon... baka sabay sabay kaming mag-iyakan sa sama ng loob (naiiyak tuloy ako ulit ngayon).. (luha)..

Sa hinaba haba ng diskusyon... sa tagisan ng right versus wrong ... kami ang nanalo! Binayaran ko siya for the price that is indicated in the tag and not on the machine. The price discrepancy shall then be shouldered by the section for negligence... Naawa ako sa kanila, i don't want to cause burden to anyone.. pero I can't put them on top of my family at this time..

So nag-inquire ako ng maigi... How do they know if there is a price increase for any product being sold. According to the manager.. price increase is being done on SM's head office through the POS System.. they upload data on the registry and Memo to follow among affected areas to effect the change on the display items. But dissimination of information takes time.. and change is already being implimented and there are times that they only realize this when the object go though the scanner. Then I asked again, "has such a case happened before?" The manager said.. "Yes, but they are isolated cases". So naisip ko, nagdagdag ba ng bayad yung customer or stood by the old price? Pero di ko na yon na i-voice out.. I don't want to know the answer anyway... Maybe some customer's did accommodate the shortfall of the system but for some.. like me.. na wala nama'ng extra'ng money... I had to choose for myself. I feel somewhat guilty para sa mga maa-apektuhan.. Nasabi ko na lang tuloy sa manager.. "Sana SM would consider, they are earning multi million pesos in a day and the fault is partly on their system.. let not this be shouldered by an employee who acted in good faith doing their job diligently and who maybe earning only a minimum rate"...

Na-overhear ko... sige share share na lang tayo ng tig-100 pesos.. Kaya nung hinatid na nila yung set sa van namin.. I gave the PIC P100.00 and the boys who made the delivery P50/each. I know it will not make them feel better... pero atleast may pang-share na siya.

Pag-dating sa bahay... di matatawaran ang reaction ng mga anak ko.... "WOW! Ang ganda ganda mommy daddy"(with big smiles on their faces)... It made the arguement ... all worthwhile.

Reality TV... Reality Bites

Bakit nga ba patok na patok ang reality TV mapa foreign based or philippine based? Katulad ko... napupuyat at na-eexcite sa panunod ng mga shows lalo na kapag ang mga cast ay nagkakaroon na ng conflict among themselves. Naalala ko pa noon ang Temptation Island.. isa sa mga naunang reality shows sa pinas.. dito mga dalawang batch na mga couples ang mga contestant... tapos ilalagay sila sa isang island at magsasama sa loob ng isa o dalawang lingo.

May episode don na napanood ko... na nagkagustuhan ang isang lalaki at babae... isang gabi nasa duyan sila... bumubulong sa isa't isa of "how they enjoy each other's company so much".. and "that they even wished that they will not leave the island anymore"... not knowing that every whisper they make, that every touch and every kiss ..."ARE BEING CAUGHT ON TAPE" (WTF!)... and ang pinaka-malupit doon... pinapakita yon sa totoong partner nila in life na nasa kabilang island. So ano ang resulta? E di yung dalawang tao'ng nakakita ay masasaktan.. maghihimutok at gaganti dahil sa kataksilan na kanilang nakita... at kapag hinayaan nila na ang kanilang mga pusong nasaktan ang maghari.. ay lagot na.. ganoon din ang gagawin nila... tapos it will go in circle.. sila naman ang ivi-video at ipapakita din yon ng host sa partner nila...

Ang lufit di ba? Alam na alam ko na binababoy lang sila ng show na iyon... na kumikita ang show at tumataas ang rating at the expense of their contestants... pero sa kabila noon ay patuloy pa rin ako'ng nanunuod, nag-aabang at nagpupuyat para lang makita ang mga susunod na iyakan, pagputok ng fuses, pag-aamok at mga moderately X na eksena...

Bakit nga ba nahuhumaling ang mga tao sa ganoong klaseng palabas? Dahil ngayon.. dumadami na ng dumadami ang ganitong reality shows sa pinas... mapa philippine made or imported from other countries... ngayon di ko na tuloy alam kung alin sa kanila ang uunahin ko'ng panoodin. Pero siguro.. dahil mas nakaka-relate tayo, dahil doon mas genuine ang reaction.. hindi scripted! Ang mga emosyon na pinapakita ay hindi pag-eemote lang... kundi natural talaga... ang mga salitang binibitawan ay hindi hinango sa isang script at mine-memorya kundi opinyon talaga nila. Na kapag ikaw ang nanunuod .. masasasabi mo sa sarili mo.. "ahh, ganyan din ang gagawin ko o hindi dapat ganito ang ginawa niya"... maiisip mo na.. "i think i am a better person dahil hindi ko i-susubject ang sarili ko sa ganon"...

Pero can you really predict or pre-empt what your reaction will be if given the situation. Na you can still think straight kapag nilagay ka sa ganoon kagandang island.. na maganda ang klima at kapaligiran.. na may mga party kayo na pwedeng pagsaluhan, pagkain na masarap at nakaka-lasing na alak. Na mas mananaig ang "better good" than "spur of the moment"...

Naisip ko tuloy nung mag-nobyo pa lang kami ni Jong.. at sumali kami sa ganoon... uuwi kaya kami na magkasintahan pa rin o hindi na. Buti na lang hangang isip lang yon... dahil alam naman ni Jong na "Trust is one thing he will never earn from me".. and "I don't trust myself too".. kaya buti na lang.... dahil ngayon happily married na kaming dalawa and just as the same... at patuloy ko pa rin sinasabi sa kanya "Trust is one thing you will never earn from me"... yet, and just as the same.. mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya... "I love you Mahal ko!.

A frightened heart

I have heard the news about the death of the 7 new born babies at Rizal Medical Center through my officemate, since I rarely have time to watch tv when I come home from work, it was alarming to realize that this senseless deaths happened in a hospital facility, where every mother is confident that it is safer and better to delivery a baby in the hospital since all the immediate medical assistance is available for any contingent event.....but.... they are robbed of their precious gift, of the opportunity to share life and love with their new bundle of joy and I could not imagine the trauma and pain this incident has caused in their lives.

The information I got was a little vaque and incomplete so it left me wondering what caused this deaths? Why in a hospital facility? Whose fault is it? Is there any preventive measures which can be implemented in the medical institution? Should mother's be oriented for what are the risks and possible diseases a mother may acquire during pregnancy? According to the news, the cause of death was "Neonatal Sepsis" , please read on to learn more about this disease:

Neonatal Sepsis (Bacteria) Basics
Any infection of an infant during the first 7 days of life (early-onset) or 7-89 days of age (late-onset).
Common causes
Bacteria that cause neonatal sepsis include:
group B Streptococcus (GBS) and Escherichia coli, which together account for 70% to 80% of neonatal sepsis cases
Other bacteria are also known to cause neonatal sepsis
Transmission
Early-onset neonatal sepsis is acquired from the mother to the infant before and/or during delivery.
Late-onset neonatal sepsis is acquired after delivery (in the hospital or community setting).
Complications
Neonatal sepsis is a serious condition that can place infants at increased risk of death and/or long-term disability.
Statistics
Neonatal sepsis occurs at an estimated rate of 1 to 2 cases per 1000 live births in the U.S.
History
Population-based surveillance for neonatal sepsis was initiated in 2005 as part of the Emerging Infections Program, Active Bacterial Core Surveillance Project (ABCs).

Group B Streptococcus (GBS) in Pregnant Women and Infants: Commonly Asked Questions (PDF: 19KB/1 page)
Group B Streptococcus (GBS) in Pregnant Women and Infants: Commonly Asked Questions
What is Group B Streptococcus (GBS)?GBS is a germ that is found normally in the intestines and genital tract of about one out of five pregnant women.Although it usually is not harmful to the woman, it can cause serious infections in her baby, including infections of the blood, spinal fluid and lungs. It is the most common cause of these types of serious infections in newborns.Not every woman who has GBS in the intestines and genital tract will have a baby with serious infection. Approximately 1 out of 150 babies of mothers who have the germ will develop signs of infection and most of these will occur in the first week of life.There are some factors that increase the chance that a woman will have a baby with GBS disease (see following section).GBS can also cause disease in pregnant women, including urinary tract infections and womb infections. Also people with other illnesses like diabetes or liver disease, or the elderly can have infections with GBS.
What can be done to help prevent GBS disease in my baby? In August 2002, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) updated recommendations on the prevention of the type of GBS infection that occurs in babies shortly after birth. These guidelines advise health care providers to use a screening-based approach to decide which woman may benefit from getting an antibiotic (like penicillin) through the vein during delivery.Providers use a screening test to see if their patients carry GBS. This test is done by swabbing the vagina and rectum between the 35th and 37th week of pregnancy. Women who have a positive screening test for GBS, can benefit from receiving antibiotics during labor.Women who have had a previous baby that had a GBS infection or women who during the current pregnancy have a urinary tract infection with GBS, have an increased risk of having a baby with GBS infection and can benefit from receiving antibiotic during labor. These women do not need to be screened during pregnancy. There are risks that are associated with an increased chance of a woman having a baby with GBS that occur around the time of labor and delivery. These include:
Fever during labor,
Membranes rupture (water break) for 18 or more hours prior to delivery, or
Preterm labor (before 37 weeks). Women who were not screened for GBS, but have one of these factors, can benefit from receiving antibiotics during labor.

Being a mom, I am scarred to my bones of this incident. We need to take care of ourselves... not for our own benefit but most specially for the child we are carrying inside our womb.... they are our responsibility.

They are a miracle from God, not all women are blessed of the same gift, treasure them.